Skip to main content
SpringerLink
Log in

Compersion: When Jealousy-Inducing Situations Don’t (Just) Induce Jealousy

  • Special Section: Consensual Non-Monogamy
  • Published:
Archives of Sexual Behavior Aims and scope Submit manuscript

Abstract

Emotional reactions to a partner’s extradyadic romantic interests are assumed to be negative and characterized by jealousy, an emotional state that arises over a perceived threat to one’s relationship. Yet, reactions may also be positive, and involve compersion, or taking joy in one’s partner’s pleasure in other sexual and relational encounters. Although some have argued that compersion is the opposite of jealousy, research suggests that compersion and jealousy may not be opposing constructs, despite being treated this way in both theoretical and empirical research. Using a convenience sample of polyamorous (N = 3530) and monogamous (N = 1358) individuals, we draw on theories of jealousy, emotional ambivalence, and emotional forecasting to examine people’s anticipated affective responses to hypothetical situations involving a partner’s extradyadic relations and assess whether experience with having a partner engage in extradyadic relations was associated with anticipating less jealousy and more compersion. Results suggest that people in polyamorous relationships report less jealousy and more compersion with their partners, and that personal experience involving a partner’s extradyadic romantic interests predicted more compersion and less jealousy, with experience predicting greater increases in compersion among monogamous than polyamorous participants. Finally, while anticipated compersion was associated with greater relationship satisfaction, neither jealousy nor ambivalence was associated with relationship satisfaction. These results further demonstrate that individuals can experience both positive and negative reactions to a partner’s extradyadic relations, both based on actual experience and projection of responses to future events, and that real-life experiences are important in anticipating these emotions.

This is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution to check access.

Access this article

Log in via an institution

Price excludes VAT (USA)
Tax calculation will be finalised during checkout.

Instant access to the full article PDF.

Institutional subscriptions

Similar content being viewed by others

References

  • Al-Shawaf, L., Conroy-Beam, D., Asao, K., & Buss, D. M. (2016). Human emotions: An evolutionary psychological perspective. Emotion Review, 8, 173–186.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • An, S., Ji, L.-J., Marks, M., & Zhang, Z. (2017). Two sides of emotion: Exploring positivity and negativity in six basic emotions across cultures. Frontiers in Psychology, 8. Retrieved December 01, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5397534/.

  • Anapol, D. T. (1998). Compersion: Meditations on using jealousy as a path to unconditional love. San Rafael, CA: IntinNet Resource Center.

    Google Scholar 

  • Aumer, K., Bellew, W., Ito, B., Hatfield, E., & Heck, R. (2014). The happy green eyed monogamist: Role of jealousy and compersion in monogamous and non-traditional relationships. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, 17, 77–88.

    Google Scholar 

  • Balzarini, R. N., Campbell, L., Kohut, T., Holmes, B. M., Lehmiller, J. J., Harman, J. J., & Atkins, N. (2017). Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory. PLoS ONE, 12, e0177841.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Balzarini, R. N., Dharma, C., Kohut, T., Campbell, L., Holmes, B. M., Lehmiller, J. J., & Harman, J. J. (2018). Demographic comparison of American individuals in polyamorous and monogamous relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 56, 681–694.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Balzarini, R. N., Dharma, C., Kohut, T., Campbell, L., Lehmiller, J. J., Harman, J. J., & Holmes, B. M. (2019). Comparing relationship quality across different types of romantic partners in polyamorous and monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48, 1749–1767.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Barelds, D. P., & Barelds-Dijkstra, P. (2007). Love at first sight or friends first? Ties among partner personality trait similarity, relationship onset, relationship quality, and love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24, 479–496.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Barrett, L. F., & Bliss-Moreau, E. (2009). Affect as a psychological primitive. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 41, pp. 167–218). New York: Elsevier.

    Google Scholar 

  • Bevan, J. L. (2004). General partner and relational uncertainty as consequences of another person’s jealousy expression. Western Journal of Communication, 68, 195–218.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Bittman, M., & Pixley, J. (1997). The double life of the family. Sydney, AU: Allen & Unwin.

    Google Scholar 

  • Buehler, R., & McFarland, C. (2001). Intensity bias in affective forecasting: The role of temporal focus. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27, 1480–1493.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Buss, D. M. (2000). The dangerous passion: Why jealousy is as essential as love and sex. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

    Google Scholar 

  • Buss, D. M. (2002). Human mate guarding. Euro Neuroendocrinology Letters, 23, 23–29.

    Google Scholar 

  • Buss, D. M., Larsen, R. J., Westen, D., & Semmelroth, J. (1992). Sex differences in jealousy: Evolution, physiology and psychology. Psychological Science, 3, 251–255.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Buss, D. M., Shackelford, T. K., Kirkpatrick, L. A., Choe, J. C., Lim, H. K., Hasegawa, M., et al. (1999). Jealousy and the nature of beliefs about infidelity: Tests of competing hypotheses about sex differences in the United States, Korea, and Japan. Personal Relationships, 6, 125–150.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Buss, D. M., Shackelford, T. K., & McKibbin, W. F. (2008). The Mate Retention Inventory-Short Form (MRI-SF). Personality and Individual Differences, 44, 322–334.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Chung, M., & Harris, C. R. (2018). Jealousy as a specific emotion: The dynamic functional model. Emotion Review, 10, 272–287.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Conley, T. D., Mastick, J. L., Moors, A. C., & Ziegler, A. (2017). Investigation of consensually nonmonogamous relationships: Theories, methods and new directions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12, 205–232.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non-monogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13, 1–30.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Demirtaş, H. A., & Dönmez, A. (2006). Jealousy in close relationships: Personal, relational and situational variables. Turkish Journal of Psychiatry, 17, 181–191.

    PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Deri, J. (2015). Love’s refraction: Jealousy and compersion in queer women’s polyamorous relationships. Toronto: University of Toronto Press.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • DeSteno, D. A. (2004, May). New perspectives on jealousy: An integrative view of the most social of social emotions. Paper presented at the meeting of the American Psychological Society, Chicago, IL.

  • Dunbar, L. J. (2008). A conflict between distance and closeness: The mother’s bittersweet experience of becoming separate from her toddler. International Journal of Infant Observation and Its Applications, 11, 77–88.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Dunn, E. W., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2003). Location, location, location: The misprediction of satisfaction in housing lotteries. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29, 1421–1432.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., Krishnamurti, T., & Loewenstein, G. (2008). Mispredicting distress following romantic breakup: Revealing the time course of the affective forecasting error. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44, 800–807.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Edlund, J. E., Heider, J. D., Scherer, C. R., Farc, M. M., & Sagarin, B. J. (2006). Sex differences in jealousy in response to actual infidelity. Evolutionary Psychology, 4, 462–470.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Elphinston, R. A., Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (2011). Measuring romantic jealousy: Validation of the multidimensional jealousy scale in Australian samples. Australian Journal of Psychology, 63, 243–251.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Elphinston, R. A., Feeney, J. A., Noller, P., Connor, J. P., & Fitzgerald, J. (2013). Romantic jealousy and relationship satisfaction: The costs of rumination. Western Journal of Communication, 77, 293–304.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Gilbert, D. T., Pinel, E. C., Wilson, T. D., Blumberg, S. J., & Wheatley, T. P. (1998). Immune neglect: A source of durability bias in affective forecasting. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 617–638.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Gilbert, D. T., & Wilson, T. D. (2007). Prospection: Experiencing the future. Science, 317, 1351–1354.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Guerrero, L. K., & Eloy, S. V. (1992). Relational satisfaction and jealousy across marital types. Communication Reports, 5, 23–31.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Harris, C. R. (2000). Psychophysiological responses to imagined infidelity: The specific innate modular view of jealousy reconsidered. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 1082–1091.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Harris, C. R. (2003). Factors associated with jealousy over real and imagined infidelity: An examination of the social-cognitive and evolutionary psychology perspectives. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 27, 319–329.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Harris, C. R., & Darby, R. S. (2010). Jealousy in adulthood. In S. L. Hart & M. Legerstee (Eds.), Handbook of jealousy: Theory, research, and multidisciplinary approaches (pp. 547–571). Oxford, England: Wiley Blackwell.

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • Haupert, M., Gesselman, A., Moors, A., Fisher, H., & Garcia, J. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual non-monogamous relationships: Findings from two nationally representative samples of single Americans. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 43, 424–440.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Henrich, J., Boyd, R., & Richerson, P. J. (2012). The puzzle of monogamous marriage. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 367, 657–669.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Page-Gould, E. (2018). Wanting to stay and wanting to go: Unpacking the content and structure of relationship stay/leave decision processes. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 9, 631–644.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Kirk, R. E. (1982). Experimental design: Procedures for the behavioural sciences (2nd ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Inc.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kohut, T., Balzarini, R. N., Lehmiller, J. J., Harman, J. J., & Holmes, B. M. (November 18, 2016). Can jealousy be adequately measured in polyamorous relationships with traditional closed-ended assessments? Symposium presentation at Sex rising: Revolutionary and emerging voices in sexual science, Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, Phoenix, AZ.

  • Kuhle, B. X. (2011). Did you have sex with him? Do you love her? An in vivo test of sex differences in jealous interrogations. Personality and Individual Differences, 51, 1044–1047.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Larsen, J. T., & Green, J. D. (2013). Evidence for mixed feelings of happiness and sadness from brief moments in time. Cognition and Emotion, 27, 1469–1477.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Larsen, J. T., & McGraw, A. P. (2011). Further evidence for mixed emotions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100, 1090–1110.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Larsen, J. T., & McGraw, A. P. (2014). The case for mixed emotions. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 8, 263–274.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Larsen, J. T., McGraw, A. P., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2001). Can people feel happy and sad at the same time? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81, 684–696.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Lebowitz, S. (2013). 10 things everyone wants to know about their relationship, according to Google. Business Insider. Retrieved December 01, 2019, from http://www.businessinsider.com/most-popular-google-searches-on-relationships-2017-12.

  • Levine, E. C., Herbenick, D., Martinez, O., Fu, T., & Dodge, B. (2018). Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among U.S. adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47, 1439–1450.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Loewenstein, G. F., & Lerner, J. S. (2003). The role of affect in decision making. In R. Davidson, K. Scherer, & H. Goldsmith (Eds.), Handbook of affective sciences (pp. 619–642). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Mathes, E. (1986). Jealousy and romantic love: A longitudinal study. Psychological Reports, 58, 885–886.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • McLean, K. (2004). Negotiating (non) monogamy: Bisexuality and intimate relationships. Journal of Bisexuality, 4, 83–97.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Mellers, B. A., Schwartz, A., Ho, K., & Ritov, I. (1997). De cision affect theory: Emotional reactions to the outcomes of risky options. Psychological Science, 8, 423–429.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Mint, P. (2004). The power dynamic of cheating. Journal of Bisexuality, 4, 55–76.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Mitchell, M. E., Bartholomew, K., & Cobb, R. C. (2014). Need fulfillment in polyamorous relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 51, 329–339.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Mogilski, J. K., Memering, S. L., Welling, L. L., & Shackelford, T. K. (2017). Monogamy versus consensual non-monogamy: Alternative approaches to pursuing a strategically pluralistic mating strategy. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 407–417.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Mogilski, J. K., Reeve, S. D., Nicolas, S. C. A., Donaldson, S. H., Mitchell, V. E., & Welling, L. L. M. (2019). Jealousy, consent, and compersion within monogamous and consensually non-monogamous romantic relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48, 1811–1828.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Moors, A. C. (2016). Has the American public’s interest in information related to relationships beyond “the couple” increased over time? Journal of Sex Research, 54, 677–684.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Parrott, W. G. (1991). The emotional experiences of envy and jealousy. In P. Salovey (Ed.), The psychology of jealousy and envy (pp. 3–30). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Parrott, W. G., & Smith, R. H. (1993). Distinguishing the experiences of envy and jealousy. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 906–920.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Pfeiffer, S. M., & Wong, P. T. P. (1989). Multidimensional jealousy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 6, 181–196.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Ritchie, A., & Barker, M. (2006). ‘There aren’t words for what we do or how we feel so we have to make them up’: Constructing polyamorous languages in a culture of compulsory monogamy. Sexualities, 9, 584–601.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Rothman, N., Pratt, M. G., Rees, L., & Vogus, T. (2016). Understanding the dual nature of ambivalence: Why and when ambivalence leads to good and bad outcomes. Academy of Management Annals, 11, 661–698.

    Google Scholar 

  • Rubin, J. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., Ziegler, A., & Conley, T. D. (2014). On the margins: Considering diversity among consensually non-monogamous relationships. Journal für Psychologie, 22, 1–23.

    Google Scholar 

  • Rubinsky, V. (2018). Bringing up the green-eyed monster: Conceptualizing and communicating jealousy with a partner who has other partners. The Qualitative Report, 23, 1441–1455.

    Google Scholar 

  • Rusbult, C. E. (1983). A longitudinal test of the investment model: The development (and deterioration) of satisfaction and commitment in heterosexual involvements. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45, 101–117.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Rusbult, C. E., Martz, J. M., & Agnew, C. R. (1998). The Investment Model Scale: Measuring commitment level, satisfaction level, quality of alternatives, and investment size. Personal Relationships, 5, 357–391.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Ryan, C., & Jetha, C. (2010). Sex at dawn: How we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships. New York, NY: Harper Perenial.

    Google Scholar 

  • Rydell, R. J., & Bringle, R. G. (2007). Differentiating reactive and suspicious jealousy. Social Behavior and Personality, 35, 1099–1114.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Rydell, R. J., McConnell, A. R., & Bringle, R. G. (2004). Jealousy and commitment: Perceived threat and the effect of relationship alternatives. Personal Relationships, 11, 451–468.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Salovey, P. (1991). The psychology of jealousy and envy. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Sheff, E. (2013). Jealousy and compersion with multiple partners—How polys deal with jealousy and feel happy when their lover loves someone else. Psychology Today. Retrieved December 01, 2019, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-nextdoor/201312/jealousy-and-compersion-multiple-partners-1.

  • Stacey, J. (1996). In the name of the family: Rethinking family values in the postmodern age. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Stohlman-Vanderveen, M. (2019). Disrupting notions: Ameliorating romantic jealousy through compersion. Honors Project, Smith College, Northampton, MA.

  • Thompson, A. E., Zimmerman, C. N., Kulibert, D., & Moore, E. (2017). Sex differences and the effect of rival characteristics on adults’ judgments of hypothetical infidelity. Evolutionary Psychological Science, 3, 97–108.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Tucker, J. (2013). Taming the green-eyed monster: On the need to rethink our cultural conception of jealousy. Yale Journal of Law and Feminism, 217, 240–241.

    Google Scholar 

  • Uchino, B. N., Cawthon, R. M., Smith, T. W., Light, K. C., McKenzie, J., Carlisle, M., et al. (2012). Social relationships and health: Is feeling positive, negative, or both (ambivalent) about your social ties related to telomeres? Health Psychology, 31, 789–796.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Van Harreveld, F., van der Pligt, J., & De Liver, Y. (2009). The agony of ambivalence and ways to resolve it: Introducing the MAID model. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 13, 45–61.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Visser, R., & McDonald, D. (2007). Swings and roundabouts: Management of jealousy in heterosexual ‘swinging’ couples. British Journal of Social Psychology, 46, 459–476.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Watson, D., Clark, L., & Tellegen, A. (1988). Development and validation of brief measures of positive and negative affect: The PANAS scales. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54, 1063–1070.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • White, G. L., & Mullen, P. E. (1989). Jealousy: Theory, research, and clinical strategies. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Wilson, T. D., Wheatley, T. P., Meyers, J. M., Gilbert, D. T., & Axsom, D. (2000). Focalism: A source of durability bias in affective forecasting. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 821–836.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Wolfe, L. P. (2003). Jealousy and transformation in polyamorous relationships. Doctoral dissertation, The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco, CA. Retrieved December 01, 2019, from http://drleannawolfe.com/dissertation.pdf.

  • Wosick-Correa, K. (2010). Agreements, rules and agentic fidelity in polyamorous relationships. Psychology & Sexuality, 1, 44–61.

    Article  Google Scholar 

Download references

Acknowledgements

This work has been supported by an Ontario Trillium Award and Mitacs Accelerate Grant awarded to the first author.

Author information

Authors and Affiliations

  1. Department of Psychology, Texas State University, San Marcos, TX, 78666, USA

    Rhonda N. Balzarini

  2. Department of Psychology, Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO, USA

    James N. McDonald & Jennifer J. Harman

  3. Department of Psychology, University of Western Ontario, London, ON, Canada

    Taylor Kohut

  4. The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University, Bloomington, IN, USA

    Justin J. Lehmiller

  5. Department of Psychology, Champlain College, Burlington, VT, USA

    Bjarne M. Holmes

Authors
  1. Rhonda N. Balzarini
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

  2. James N. McDonald
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

  3. Taylor Kohut
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

  4. Justin J. Lehmiller
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

  5. Bjarne M. Holmes
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

  6. Jennifer J. Harman
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

Corresponding author

Correspondence to Rhonda N. Balzarini.

Ethics declarations

Conflict of interest

The authors declare no conflicts of interest.

Ethical Approval

The materials and procedure were reviewed and approved by the local research ethics board before both study’s initiation.

Informed Consent

Participants who were interested in participating in this study were asked to first provide informed consent. Following the online consent procedure, participants were asked to complete the measures for this study. Only participants who indicated consent at the onset of the study were able to access the survey.

Additional information

Publisher's Note

Springer Nature remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

Electronic supplementary material

Below is the link to the electronic supplementary material.

Supplementary material 1 (DOCX 22 kb)

Rights and permissions

Reprints and permissions

About this article

Check for updates. Verify currency and authenticity via CrossMark

Cite this article

Balzarini, R.N., McDonald, J.N., Kohut, T. et al. Compersion: When Jealousy-Inducing Situations Don’t (Just) Induce Jealousy. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1311–1324 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01853-1

Download citation

  • Received:

  • Revised:

  • Accepted:

  • Published:

  • Issue Date:

  • DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01853-1

Keywords

Search

Navigation