Abstract
When people in a relationship offend each other, it is important for them to behave in a conciliatory manner if they wish to reconcile. We tested in two studies if mental contrasting (versus other modes of thoughts) is an effective strategy for people to self-regulate their conciliatory behavior. In Study 1, we assessed student participants’ spontaneous mode of thought when thinking about an unresolved interpersonal transgression and measured their commitment to reconcile. Eight days later, we assessed their conciliatory behavior. Participants who spontaneously mentally contrasted reported more commitment to reconcile and showed sensible conciliatory behavior (i.e., based on their expectations of solving their interpersonal concern). In Study 2, romantic couples were invited into the lab and asked to identify unresolved incidents in which one partner (the perpetrator) had offended the other (the victim). After perpetrators were induced to mentally contrast or indulge about a successful reconciliation, we videotaped the couples discussing the incident. Only perpetrators who mentally contrasted showed sensible conciliatory behavior and reached effective reconciliation (measured right after the experiment and 2 weeks later). The findings imply that mental contrasting supports perpetrators to show conciliatory behavior when it promises to be successful, but discourages it when it seems futile or adverse, thereby protecting the relationship from further harm.
This is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution to check access.
Similar content being viewed by others
Notes
Regarding the number of participants recruited for both studies reported in the present paper, we want to mention that both of our studies were time-intensive and longitudinal; we recruited both individual students and romantic couples and invited them to our lab. Further, we had all participants come to the lab for a follow-up session and we let them fill in retrospective diaries. Thus, we simply recruited as many participants possible within the financial and experimental constraints of our study designs (see also Funder et al. 2014).
In this study, additional measures were collected that are not discussed here. A complete list of measures is available in the supporting information.
We repeated the analyses with both the main effect of incentive value and the interaction between incentive value and condition. Whereas the main effect of incentive value on commitment was significant, the interaction between incentive value and condition was not significant for commitment, F(1, 99) = 1.13, p = .148.
Similarly, for immediacy of action, the main effect of incentive value was significant, and here, the interaction between incentive value and condition was also significant, F(1, 97) = 3.99, p = .049. For both analyses, adding the interaction term of incentive value and condition did not change the significance of the hypothesized expectations * condition interaction.
We repeated the analyses with both the main effect of incentive value and the interaction between incentive value and condition. Whereas the main effect of incentive value on conciliatory behavior was significant, the interaction between incentive value and condition was not significant for conciliatory behavior, F(1, 44) = 0.65, p = .423.
References
Allemand, M., Hill, P. L., Ghaemmaghami, P., & Martin, M. (2012). Forgivingness and subjective well-being in adulthood: The moderating role of future time perspective. Journal of Research in Personality,46, 32–39. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2011.11.004.
Austin, K. P., Williams, M. W. M., & Kilgour, G. (2011). The effectiveness of motivational interviewing with offenders: An outcome evaluation. New Zealand Journal of Psychology,40, 55–67.
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin,117, 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497.
Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin,115, 243–267. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.115.2.243.
Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1995). Personal narratives about guilt: Role in action control and interpersonal relationships. Basic and Applied Social Psychology,17, 173–198. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15324834basp1701.
Bono, G., McCullough, M. E., & Root, L. M. (2008). Forgiveness, feeling connected to others, and well-being: Two longitudinal studies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,34, 182–195. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167207310025.
Bowlby, J. (1977). The making and breaking of affectional bonds: I. Aetiology and psychopathology in the light of attachment theory. The British Journal of Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.130.3.201.
Brickenkamp, R. (2002). Test d2: Aufmerksamkeits-Belastungs-Test. Manual (9th ed.). Göttingen: Hogrefe Verlag für Psychologie.
Buss, D. M., & Kenrick, D. T. (1998). Evolutionary social psychology. In D. T. Gilbert, S. T. Fiske, & G. Lindzey (Eds.), The handbook of social psychology (Vol. II, 4th ed., pp. 982–1027). New York: McGraw-Hill.
deWaal, F. B. (2000). The first kiss: Foundations of conflict resolution research in animals. In F. Aureli & F. B. M. de Waal (Eds.), Natural conflict resolution (pp. 15–34). Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.
Exline, J. J., Deshea, L., & Holeman, V. T. (2007). Is apology worth the risk? Predictors, outcomes, and ways to avoid regret. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology,26, 479–504. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2007.26.4.479.
Exline, J. J., Root, B. L., Yadavalli, S., Martin, A. M., & Fisher, M. L. (2011). Reparative behaviors and self-forgiveness: Effects of a laboratory-based exercise. Self and Identity,10, 101–126. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298861003669565.
Funder, D. C., Levine, J. M., Mackie, D. M., Morf, C. C., Sansone, C., Vazire, S., et al. (2014). Improving the dependability of research in personality and social psychology. Personality and Social Psychology Review,18, 3–12. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868313507536.
Ginsburg, J. I. D., Mann, R. E., Rotgers, F., & Weekes, J. R. (2002). Motivational interviewing with criminal justice populations. In W. R. Miller & S. Rollnick (Eds.), Motivational interviewing. Preparing people for change (2nd ed., pp. 333–346). New York: Guilford Press.
Hannon, P. A., Finkel, E. J., Kumashiro, M., & Rusbult, C. E. (2012). The soothing effects of forgiveness on victims’ and perpetrators’ blood pressure. Personal Relationships,19, 279–289. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01356.x.
Hannon, P. A., Rusbult, C. E., Finkel, E. J., & Kumashiro, M. (2010). In the wake of betrayal: Amends, forgiveness, and the resolution of betrayal. Personal Relationships,17, 253–278. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01275.x.
Hayes, A. F. (2013). Introduction to mediation, moderation, and conditional process analysis: A regression-based approach. New York: Guilford Press.
Hill, P. L., & Allemand, M. (2011). Gratitude, forgivingness, and well-being in adulthood: Tests of moderation and incremental prediction. The Journal of Positive Psychology,6, 397–407. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2011.602099.
Jones, W. H., & Kugler, K. (1993). Interpersonal correlates of the Guilt Inventory. Journal of Personality Assessment,61, 246–258. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327752jpa6102_6.
Jones, W. H., Moore, D. S., Schratter, A., & Negel, L. A. (2001). Interpersonal transgression and betrayal. In R. M. Kowalski (Ed.), Behaving badly. Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (1st ed., pp. 233–256). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
Kappes, A., & Oettingen, G. (2014). The emergence of goal pursuit: Mental contrasting connects future and reality. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology,54, 25–39. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2014.03.014.
Kappes, H. B., Oettingen, G., Mayer, D., & Maglio, S. (2011). Sad mood promotes self-initiated mental contrasting of future and reality. Emotion, 11, 1206–1222.
Kappes, A., Singmann, H., & Oettingen, G. (2012). Mental contrasting instigates goal-pursuit by linking obstacles of reality with instrumental behavior. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology,48, 811–818. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2012.02.002.
Kappes, A., Wendt, M., Reinelt, T., & Oettingen, G. (2013). Mental contrasting changes the meaning of reality. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology,49, 797–810. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2013.03.010.
Karremans, J. C., van Lange, P. A. M., Ouwerkerk, J. W., & Kluwer, E. S. (2003). When forgiving enhances psychological well-being: The role of interpersonal commitment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,84, 1011–1026. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.84.5.1011.
Kearns, J. N., & Fincham, F. D. (2005). Victim and perpetrator accounts of interpersonal transgressions: Self-serving or relationship-serving biases? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,31, 321–333. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271594.
Kenny, D. A., Kashy, D. A., & Cook, W. L. (2006). Dyadic data analysis. Methodology in the social sciences. New York: Guilford Press.
Kirk, D., Oettingen, G., & Gollwitzer, P. M. (2011). Mental contrasting promotes integrative bargaining. International Journal of Conflict Management,22, 324–341. https://doi.org/10.1108/10444061111171341.
Lazare, A. (2004). On apology. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Mann, R. E., & Rollnick, S. (1996). Motivational interviewing with a sex offender who believed he was innocent. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy,24, 127–134. https://doi.org/10.1017/s1352465800017392.
McCullough, M. E., Pedersen, E. J., Tabak, B. A., & Carter, E. C. (2014). Conciliatory gestures promote forgiveness and reduce anger in humans. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of USA,111, 11211–11216.
McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,73, 321–336. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.2.321.
McMurran, M. (2009). Motivational interviewing with offenders: A systematic review. Legal and Criminological Psychology,14, 83–100. https://doi.org/10.1348/135532508x278326.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (Eds.). (2002). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people for change (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
Oettingen, G. (2000). Expectancy effects on behavior depend on self-regulatory thought. Social Cognition,18, 101–129. https://doi.org/10.1521/soco.2000.18.2.101.
Oettingen, G. (2012). Future thought and behavior change. European Review of Social Psychology,23, 1–63. https://doi.org/10.1080/10463283.2011.643698.
Oettingen, G. (2014). Rethinking positive thinking: Inside the new science of motivation. New York: Penguin Random House.
Oettingen, G., Pak, H. J., & Schnetter, K. (2001). Self-regulation of goal-setting: Turning free fantasies about the future into binding goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,80, 736–753. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.80.5.736.
Oettingen, G., Stephens, E. J., Mayer, D., & Brinkmann, B. (2010). Mental contrasting and the self-regulation of helping relations. Social Cognition,28, 490–508. https://doi.org/10.1521/soco.2010.28.4.490.
Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2013). Spontaneous mental contrasting and selective goal pursuit. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,39, 1240–1254.
Sevincer, A. T., Schlier, B., & Oettingen, G. (2015). Ego depletion and the use of mental contrasting. Motivation and Emotion,39, 876–891. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-015-9508-8.
Shnabel, N., & Nadler, A. (2008). A needs-based model of reconciliation: Satisfying the differential emotional needs of victim and perpetrator as a key to promoting reconciliation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,94, 116–132. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.94.1.116.
Shnabel, N., & Nadler, A. (2015). The role of agency and morality in reconciliation processes. Current Directions in Psychological Science,24, 477–483.
Smith, N. (2008). I was wrong: The meanings of apologies. New York: Cambridge University Press.
Staub, E., Pearlman, L. A., Gubin, A., & Hagengimana, A. (2005). Healing, reconciliation, forgiving and the prevention of violence after genocide or mass killing: An intervention and its experimental evaluation in Rwanda. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology,3, 297–334.
Tabak, B. A., McCullough, M. E., Luna, L. R., Bono, G., & Berry, J. W. (2012). Conciliatory gestures facilitate forgiveness and feelings of friendship by making transgressors appear more agreeable. Journal of Personality,80, 503–536. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2011.00728.
Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology,58, 345–372. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145.
Tavuchis, N. (1991). Mea culpa: A sociology of apology and reconciliation. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
Tsang, J. A., McCullough, M. E., & Fincham, F. D. (2006). The longitudinal association between forgiveness and relationship closeness and commitment. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology,25, 448–472. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2006.25.4.448.
Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. New York: Routledge.
Zechmeister, J. S., Garcia, S., Romero, C., & Vas, S. N. (2004). Don’t apologize unless you mean it: A laboratory investigation of forgiveness and retaliation. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology,23, 532–564. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.23.4.532.40309.
Author information
Authors and Affiliations
Corresponding authors
Ethics declarations
Conflict of interest
All authors declares that they have no conflict of interest.
Ethical approval
All procedures performed in studies involving human participants were in accordance with the Ethical Standards of the Institutional and/or National Research Committee and with the 1964 Helsinki Declaration and its later amendments or comparable ethical standards.
Informed consent
Informed consent was obtained from all individual participants included in the study.
Additional information
Publisher's Note
Springer Nature remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.
Rights and permissions
About this article
Cite this article
Schrage, J., Schwörer, B., Krott, N.R. et al. Mental contrasting and conciliatory behavior in romantic relationships. Motiv Emot 44, 356–372 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-019-09791-9
Published:
Issue Date:
DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-019-09791-9