Conflicts After Divorce

Abstract

The failure to get an emotional divorce is at the root of much postdivorce conflict. Couples who find themselves embroiled in continuing conflicts after divorce are often not even aware of the level of emotional involvement they have with each other. Even though the issues in dispute always seem justified, they become the forum to play out the unfinished business of the marriage. There is still a version going on of “You can’t control me, I’ll show you”; “You’ll pay for this”; “You’ll never do this to me again”; and so on. These issues die hard.

When one door of happiness closes, another one opens. But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

Helen Keller

For two years after we were divorced he was still right in the middle of my life. We fought over schedules, money, jackets, and boots. I still cried on friends’ shoulders about what he had just said or done to me. He was the bad guy. I was the long suffering victim. Now I can see that attitude hurt me as much as him. I still don’t like him, but there is no point giving him the power to make me miserable either.

Barb, divorced 3 years